can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
