best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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