I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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