I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
