Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize