i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
