i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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