do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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