i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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