I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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