I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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