On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
