Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
