Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
