I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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