made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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