I can tuck mytits in my pants
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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