Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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