You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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