I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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