My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
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Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
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Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.