why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
