wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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