I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
