Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
