My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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