I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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