Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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