I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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