Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
