Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We were destined to go to rehab together
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
