This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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