if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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