I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
