i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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