Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
