It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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