Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
