True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
