I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
