I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
