if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
