I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
