It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
