i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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