I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
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I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
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It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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