I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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