Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
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I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
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I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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