i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
