I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
