I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
