My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
