Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
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I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
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Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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