Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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