he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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