We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
