Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
