You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
