Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
