morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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